Gone Bat Shit Crazy!

Not even lying, I'm trying something new..
K, so, I was at yoga today and I thought to myself, if I find a job that Would put me to work to help me loose more weight I'll be golden! PLUS more money! Yay to being paid to loose weight!
Mom's getting me hired at the hotel she works at so I can work there as a housekeeper cleaning rooms in the morning! :)

On another note, I went to my boots and glutes workout class and traditional hot yoga tonight! I feel wonderful!! Also, yesterday I bought the 'Magic Bullet' its a wonderful blender, that can blend ice, food, anything! Its amazing!
Staying strong!
Love you all!
xxx Sandy!

Soy Milk

Well, I possibly figured out why I wasn't losing weight on a small booster juice and hardly any food. There was soy milk in the type I was getting (matcha monsoon add blueberry)... soy milk makes me bloat because I'm allergic to it... fuck me :( so no more! hopefully now I can pass this platue.

(The following may trigger cravings)
I swear to god I am so mad at myself... I broke down.. I got overly stressed and had an enormous migraine yesterday. I bought a bowl size bag of m&ms :( I didn't eat them all but I ate half... and now they hidden in my drawer. However, I have been doing OK besides that, I haven't snacked at work, and I have been avoiding pop and nestea (I love nestea) and I've been having lemon water! I'm trying so hard not to go back to binge/purge, but if i don't stop the binge I may star up again. I have been so stressed since last weekend,
On the bright-ish side, I'm applying for a new job tomorrow, possibly a 5:30am hotel breakfast hostess. It includes benefits :D But we shall see, you would think a resume which includes 5 year customer service, 2 year supervisor and 4 month server, with 2 year volunteer looks pretty damn good for such a low profile job, but you never know. Wish me luck!

Anyways, I'm off to bed!
Gotta be up at 6am, dropping off my resume at 8, then heading out of town :p
Goodnight!
Sandy xxx

Relapse

Apparently I have relapsed, not in the way your thinking, but with my PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder). I was at my counselors and due to the event Sunday of serving the guy who robbed me, see post from Monday here .... he has considered it a relapse.. Unfortunately I will probably have to continue to visit my counselor for another month or so each week. I guess its not that bad, I mean he really does help, it just take up a good chunk of my day. I also don't like telling friends that i cant hangout because I have my appointment, they always start acting like there is something wrong with me, or they ask me why and its like uuugghhh just don't worry about it. Or, if I tell them about the robbery they ask more and more questions, which cause me to get flashbacks. I did alright today, I think, I didn't get to go to hot yoga though, this actually made me really sad. BUT I'm going to Moksha yoga tomorrow, its 75 mins which will burn 470 calories an hour according to Livestong.com. Still no movement on the scale :( Love always Sandy xxx
This will be me... one day <3

NEW Medicine ball. ftw!

OK well... what a great start, my titles a lie.. I bought a Reebok soft weighted ball :p not a medicine ball, they both do the same thing so oh well. I figured it would be a good thing to try. I had a rough day today, however, I managed to finish strong. Two days ago I had a fright at work, I was serving my robber, he tried to hide his face so I didn't figure that out until his group was paying.. lovely. So, after a helpful counselor appointment and an annoying 3 hours of work I kicked butt at my country Zumba class and finished with an hour of hot yoga. I feel amazing! But sadly, I haven't yet lost weight... You would think that with eating healthy, working out 2 hours a day, running around at work, and having vitamins that boost your metabolize like chili and green tea I would be able to loose SOME pounds :( I may have to go back to fasting... hopefully that doesn't cause me to relapse :/ Happy to be back! Love you all! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Sandy <3

I'm back for good, I promise..

Holy crap. Its been almost 2 years... I'm sorry. I have been through hell and back. At my work I have had 2 robbery's only a month apart, both of which I was the center of. The 1st one didn't threaten me but the 2nd one held me up with a knife to my throat... Was just lovely... sarcasm... Today, I feel like crap. I took a Zumba class tonight and then a work out class right after. Now I hurt. Thanks to those fucking robberies I've put on weight. I am 153 pounds and I am not happy about it. It's all stress, but it makes me mad. I makes me cry at night. It makes me not want my boyfriend to see me naked, even though I know he thinks I'm beautiful. I'm I a bad person? Why are all the bad things happening to me? Why did I get robbed at work, not once, but twice? Is this a sign that my near death experience was suppose to actually kill me and my time is soon? I was at work (my new job [I'm a server at a family restaurant]) last night, and low an behold I realize, after I finally see his face after he finished his food, that I was serving the 2ed guy who robbed me, and 2 of his family members. What did I do? I pretended like nothing was wrong and as if I didn't know who he was... he recognized me, I'm sure he did before I recognized him, he was hiding his face the whole time I was serving them. I have a restraining order against him... why didn't I kick him out? ughhh :( Why is life such a fucking bitch? So in order to take it off my mind I worked out tonight like no other... now I'm paying the price, I'm sore. I'm doing the same tomorrow too, 225 squats, country workout class, then to finish with hot yoga. To all my followers, I hope you'er still with me. xxx stay strong xxx -Sandyy <3

...

So many words can explain where I have been, however, I am not going to create a excuse out of these words. My life has been a life, a life full of drama, a life full of stress, a life full of lies. But never has my life been nothing less then a life full of life.
This is what life is and unfortunately I am just another person in this life, with these lies, stress and drama continuously following of me.
But thats the way things are, I will continue to be strong, I will continue to breath, breath in life as its meant to be.

I gave in to the crave, and I lost all control. I spent good money on useless food. Why? I dunno, I thought I wanted it. I gained weight, up to 142 by estimate, but then it hit me, what have I done? I have let the one thing that I thought I was in control over secretly control me. Well no more. the day I realised was the day I had my tonsils removed, I figured perfect, if i can't swallow, I can't eat. Well here I am today Day 16, I have lost at least 12 pounds. I lost the first 10 within 6 days. Then the second thought hit me, I can do this. I can be the one I have always wanted to be. The lightweight dancer, the gorgeous, sexy, skinny girl. Just keep this up.

Food will never control me again.

xox Sandy

Why am I not happy?

I'm finally under 130.
But somehow I'm not excited about it.
Is it because I feel like shit?
Is it because I spent the past two nights crying?
Is it because I don't understand my boyfriend?
Or is it the fact my boyfriend doesn't think he should be with be because he thinks I'm perfect and he is an unaffectionate dick?
I don't think he his and he won't listen to me.
We have been together almost 2 year I love him so much and he doesn't believe that he can be loved because he can't love back.
I just can't deal with this.
And I don't know what to do.
It's hard to explain because everythig I do, including now I start to cry.
Thinking about it.. U know he is scared of commitment, but what if.. What if he is realizing he does really like me but but wants to push me away because he is scared?
I just don't know. :(
Like last night he assumed I wanted to break up... I didn't. I just wanted to know what was up.
Fuck I'm a mess :(

Can't stand life right now.
-sandyy