Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Why am I not happy?

I'm finally under 130.
But somehow I'm not excited about it.
Is it because I feel like shit?
Is it because I spent the past two nights crying?
Is it because I don't understand my boyfriend?
Or is it the fact my boyfriend doesn't think he should be with be because he thinks I'm perfect and he is an unaffectionate dick?
I don't think he his and he won't listen to me.
We have been together almost 2 year I love him so much and he doesn't believe that he can be loved because he can't love back.
I just can't deal with this.
And I don't know what to do.
It's hard to explain because everythig I do, including now I start to cry.
Thinking about it.. U know he is scared of commitment, but what if.. What if he is realizing he does really like me but but wants to push me away because he is scared?
I just don't know. :(
Like last night he assumed I wanted to break up... I didn't. I just wanted to know what was up.
Fuck I'm a mess :(

Can't stand life right now.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Emotions... Apparently their running wild.

I have really noticed, that in the past few days my emotions have been all over the place. Like one minutes I'm fine having fun and laughing. The next minute something's bugging me and I'm nearly in tears. I really don't understand it.
Sure in the past few days I have managed to keep within my 500-600 calorie limit, but never has it played this hard on my emotions. Has anyone else experienced this?

Trying hard
_ Sandyy <3

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Ita 3:30 am guess I'm going back to the days of not being able to sleep.
Worked really late tonight. Good, I stayed away from stupid pizza on the oven, Bad another late night.
Seems as if no matter when I go to bed I must lay in bed for at least an hr before I can sleep. That's great.
So I've finally brought down my stress weight to what I can admit. I was 131 tuesday morning. And I have been loosing 1 pound a day so I'm assuming I'm 130 seeing as I didn't go over my limit and ate less then yesterday today.
I can actually start to see my ribs around my belly button again. Made me smile a bit.
Some things seem to be shining while other are still dull but that's life right? Gotta get through the storm in order to see a rainbow. Translate that and u gotta feel the pain to see the good results.
Staying strong

Saturday, August 13, 2011

My emotional rollar coster

Over the past few months I have been under soo much stress. I lost a lot of weight and put it all back on. Now it won't change. I'm starting university this fall and I'm scared shitless.
I miss my cousin sooo much. I really really do. But at the same time I hate her. She was my best/only friend. The sister I never had. And she just ditched. Like everyone else does. I find it so hard to keep a good friendship without having to overly work hard at it. I believe I have given up. I don't go out of my way to talk/see people because I'm usually working or to tired or lazy. I just don't feel motives. Maybe it's cuz every friend I have had just ends up ditching me. All I got is my boyfriend. Which we se each other at work all the time so we only hangout once a week. We have been together for 2 years now.
But in a way I guess with my cousin it's my fault. But in don't wanna talk to her just as much as I do. And I feel. If she really wants to talk to me, what's stopping her?
Everytime something reminds me of it, I cry. I just can't handle it. I ran into her last month. I almost cried. I can't do it. I don't know what to do.

I was watching the final few eps. To Hannah montana. (ya I like that show) and Miley and Lillys relashionship and them going to collage reminded me of what me and my cousins was and how it could have been instead of like this and man, I just went on that emotional rollarcoaster and now I can't get off :(