Tuesday, June 20, 2017

ABC Diet Day 9 - Family Chaos

CW: 170.9 lbs

LW: 115 lbs
HW: 188 lbs
GW:  119 lbs
UGW: 99 lbs

So close to hitting the 60's yay!!! - so far in 9 days I have lost 8 pounds. 

Couldn't be happier. - No actually I'm super stoked on this. 

But I have a big family weekend coming up... uh oh, 
So tonight I'm with my boyfriend - He's coming out to live with me!! 
He has a couple job interviews lined up tomorrow. YAY!

Now this is where it gets hard... He knows my past - kinda. 
I keep telling him no I'm eating healthy I'm working out as he's already made the comment 
"you better still be eating" 
I assured him I am. 

So tonight he's picking dinner and I have to eat... 
I can't purge because he will hear it I'm screwed. 
THEN tomorrow night I have family in town
2 members of the family from out of town whom I've never met before - oh boy. lol 
we are also going to dinner... I can just get a salad here tho. 
so that works. 

Thursday Im home free so I will fast. 

Friday - my moms in town... FUCK. 
then she's taking me back our hometown...
to go camping.ugh. 
Why must they be so needy. 
DOnt get me wrong - I love them. 
but they are difficult to hide stuff from. 

I'm very worried this whole family ordeal is going to throw me right for a loop. 
I'm stressing

I will do the best I can. 
but as long as I can say by next week I'm in those 60's - only 1 pound away. 
I will be happy. 

Wish me luck. 

Thursday, June 15, 2017

ABC Diet Day 4 --Diet Pills Day IDK!

CW: 174.81lbs

LW: 115 lbs
HW: 188 lbs
GW:  119 lbs
UGW: 99 lbs

Well last night I fucked up. 
I binged.. not by much but enough that I felt dirty. 
I purged. I purged it all back up... but that only accounts for 20%
the deed is already done by this point.
I had a chocolate almond Kiss, and 4 mini Swiss Delic (2 dark and 2 Milk)
then to get the chocolate taste out of my mouth I had 4 spoon full of cottage cheese.
This put me over my 300 allowed calories by 200. 
So as punishment I also had one of my old ex-lax's. 

The fact that its only day 3 makes me feel like a failure. 
ugh no wonder I only lost .4 of a pound today. 
I was so happy yesterday I went from 175.8 to 174.5 and now Im 174.1
I will push through this. I want to be in the 60's by Monday.
this is my current goal. 

I do have a questions for you guys. I haven't taken ex-lax in a long time. 
I took one last night and i think it did shit. 
No pains no cramps no nothing. 
I took it at 9pm fell asleep at 9:30pm and woke up at 7:40am... no pains.
I'm also shocked I slept a whole 8 hours. 
Any idea why the ex-lax didn't work?

Sorry no love today. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

ABC Diet Day 2 - 500 Calories

CW: 175.8 lbs
LW: 115 lbs
HW: 188 lbs
GW:  119 lbs
UGW: 99 lbs

Day 2! 500 Cals so far down 2.2 lbs!

I successfully completed day 1, YAY!
I feel like this is easy - but it won't stay that way. 
sooo many things around to grab my attention to my hunger. 
But no pain no gain. I don't want to purge so I won't binge. 

I will be under 170 by friday! thats my goal!!!

Monday, June 12, 2017

ABC Diet Day 1 and Diet Pills Day 5

So far so good. 
So happy to see the scale lower today - I'm coming back harder then ever and jumping right in. 
Its addicting - The results are addicting. 

I tried the whole workout eat healthy and it was bullshit
I still binged, I worked hard saw no results and spent too much money on a trainer that did fuck all. 
I ate healthy and how your 'suppose to' for a whole year and it did shit - I was more prone to binging. 

I tried mom, I'm doing it my way now. 

I did however try something new for me...
Talking to people. 
Not just any people, but people who are the same. 
People who are also going through this, 
Its nice to know your not alone. 

I am in this group and we are doing the ABC diet together. 
We inspire each other and we help each other. 
We help each other not binge to keep up from purging. 
We help each other stay strong and stick to the plan. 

Beyond this group I'm happy to say I found a friend
Someone I can relate to and talk to and share my status
I will refer to her as A if I ever need to talk about her in the future
I look forward to our adventure of finally becoming happy inside and out
I AM IN NO MEANS PRO ANA - Honestly, this addition I wouldn't wish on anyone 
but some times its worth checking out Ana groups online 
just to find someone like you. 

If your still following my blog this many years later I thank you
Would love to hear from you if you need someone to talk to
One thing I learned this week is that
Sometimes it helps talking to someone who's going through the same as you
No matter how hard it is. 

Love Forever. 

Sandy <3 p="">

Today consists of 500 Calories
As of 4pm I am just under 300. 
Cauliflower rice for days!

Friday, June 9, 2017

Back on Diet Pills Day 2

Day 2 of starting back on diet pills... so far feeling normal. 

I am also doing IdealFit protein, pre-workout and BCAA to keep me said but keep the metabolism going and electrolights. 

I've had my protein shake, and a small salad - tonight I will have eggs and cauliflower rice. 

In a few days I'll have a fast day. 

Im going to avoid MIA as much as I can - I can't purge very well anymore as my stomach lining is thin from years ago. (Gives me heartburn now)

If there is anyone out there listening I would love someone to join me on my race back down the scale. Or even just someone to talk to. 

Love Always

Thursday, June 8, 2017

I'm Back Bitches

I'm baaaaack. 
Yes Im still alive and kicking. 
.... unfortunately with this kind of thing - my Ana - it never goes away. 
I can tell you I'm okay. 
I can gain weight to make you shut up. 
but I can't change how I feel. 
I can't stop my emotions. 
Ana isn't another person, Ana is me. 
Some days Ana is quiet - some days Ana is loud. 
In the end Ana is the one there judging me and calling me out 
but only after I fuck up. 

Its been 4 years since my last post. 
In this time I tried starting over - new life - new house - new friends. 
But what was the point. 
Im back where I started.

Life's never easy, if it was we wouldn't need google. 
We wouldn't need to complain or be self critical. 
People wouldn't need to fix things. 

I am 24 this year - and I have an eating disorder. 
This won't ever change. 

Lets see how long I'm here for this time.