Meltdown

I got a new job...
Now I work two jobs, both keeping me extremely busy. It's great because now that I'm done school I'm runningback and forth between jobs and dance, it's also keeping me occupied enough to avoid food. Except I haven't lost anything or gained anything. And for that I have become very depressed. Sure I'm also making a lot of money so guarented enough for university come September. But I miss my friends. I either get ditched at last minute. There busy or I'm at work. For some reason I feel they are avoiding me now that they are not forced to see me every day. Currently the only buddy I see outside of work and dance is my boyfriend. But I miss my girls. Well the few I still have :( it's 1am and I've spent the last hr crying over the fact that I'm lonely. Just typing those words make me cry.
Half my family decided they hated me and my parents so they buggered off couple years ago. One of them was my cousin... My best friend, my second half... She was the sister I didn't have. And I miss her :(
I finally had got out of my ED routine, but it's back. No doubt.
I'm scared, upset, lonely ... I'm depressed.
I'm overworked, tired, ... I can't eat.
I'm losing hair, brittle nails ... I'm sick
I'm fat,
I don't know how long this will last but I need support. I need someone who will be there for me. I just need a friend, someone, to talk to

The friend.

I purged today. I wished I didn't. I almost passed out after as it was hard to stop myself and I couldn't breath.
My tummy hurts. It feels like my ribs are twisted and a knife is stabbing me.
I found out today my friend is struggling with anorexia and bulimia.
She is in recovery tho. Sort of.
It makes me sad. I'd rather suffer on my own then know that anorexia and/or bulimia had taken over her life.
It's a cruel world out there and I guess some of use are just to weak to survive it. :(

But i guess it's kinda great I can have someone to talk to and relate to.
Well for the fact I created this blog to get out my feelings. It's nice to finally know I'm really not alone and there is someone there for me.

Still hanging in there
-Sandyy :)
I'll be back Saturday.

Sigh

So Saturday the scale said I was down 2.5 pounds. I was happy.
But why am I now feeling careless about not putting it back on.
I feel so upset lately. It's my grad year the big grade 12 of 2011 and already 2 friends won't talk to me. One even deleted me off Facebook.
All my close friends are not in my grade, either graduated a year or more ago or will graduate a year or 2 after me.
Half my family won't talk to me or my mom because of stupid family drama.
Why is it so utterly impossible to live a normal happy life?

My best friend, also friend with benefits, can't even bother to figure out how he feels about me. Hence the fact were still fwb. It's kinda bugs me.

I feel like me life is falling apart all while it's half assed coming together.
I have no control of it.

Fuck if only I could stop worrying about what I eat and how much exercise I do. But I can't. If I did I'd be gigantic.

Ugh well I promise to keep writing at least once a week. It seems as tho this is the only way I can truly express to anyone how I feel.
Hanging in there.
~Sandyy
<3

The unexpected pound

Somehow today I managed to put on a pound :( one single pound, yet I didn't eat anything more then usual :(
I worked hard not to but I did anyways. I really need to start looking into so help from diet pills.
I hate food. I do I do.
Hopefully by next Saturday I can be down 2 pounds.

I can do this
-sandy.

P.s - Here are a list of books relating to ED's :)

A Skeleton in the Closet: Remembering My Spirit
by Beth Sarabura, Adam Himber, Patrizza Elizabeth Jimenez, Hilda Wong

Angel Mommy: A Story of a Bulimic Mother
by Linda Krikorian

Eve's Apple
by Jonathan Rosen

Fat Chance
by Leslea Newman

Good Enough...
by Cynthia Nappa Bitter

Kelly's Last Chance
by Lorraine Trovato-Cantori

Life Size
by Maurice Beck Hexter

My Sister's Bones
by Cathi Hanauer

Perk!: The Story of a Teenager with Bulimia
by Liza F. Hall

Second Star to the Right
by Deborah Hautzig, Joy Peskin, S. November

Starving Hearts
by Lynn Ruth Miller

Stick Figure: A diary of My Former Self
by Lori Gottlieb

The Best Little Girl in the World
by Steven Levenkron

The Hunger
by Marsha Forchuk Skrypuch

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
by Marya Hornbacher

Killer pains.

I hate hate hate menstrual cramps they hurt sooo much! I can't wait till I don't have them anymore
So I did good today I was on the go a
Restricted greatly.
Great first week back at school, I've got decent courses and I'm busy after school everyday in such a way I'm not home for dinner. Woot :)

Few days ago I had a really bad binge and I resulted back to purging. I had tried so hard to avoid it but I really just couldn't help it. Sometimes I feel like it's the only way.
I really hope things start to get better soon.

Keepin it real
--Sandyyy

....

I'm Sorry!

neopets game

this is such an amazing way to waste time and not think about food.
its helped me ignore my hunger pains soooo much!
try it out :)
click the link below.
add me as a friend if you want too.
sweetsour024
ya it may be a little childish but its a great way to kill time.

(this is my pet)